November 18th, 2011 in Reviews by 3 Comments

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 opens in theaters today. If you know what Twilight is and know you want to see this, then you will see it. If you know what Twilight is and know you hate it, then you won’t see it. And lets face it. Everyone knows what Twilight is by now. I’m not going to persuade you one way or the other. Having said that, let me declare:

Twilight…it ain’t good.

The Twilight Saga movies are poor stories, poorly told.

I could tell you about shoddy storytelling. The kind that sets up a device mere moments before its needed. Here’s the wise aboriginal housemaid! Here she is two scenes later dispensing new insights into Bella’s plight!

I could gripe about weak continuity. Remember the fact that Vampires sparkle in the sun? Looks like it doesn’t happen when you’re honeymooning in the tropics!

I could complain about scenes — meant to be dramatic that — that become screamingly funny: Talking wolves? It’s a howl! (The unintentionally funny moments are the most entertaining ones in the movie this time around).

I could talk about weak pacing. This movie is like a 117 minute Seinfeld episode. For the most part it’s about nothing! It’s half of a slim novel stretched out to feature length.

I could point out the bad acting. I mean, hats off to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson for trying to take this stuff seriously. But Taylor Lautner? The boy couldn’t act like he was soaking wet if you dropped him in the ocean. (Admittedly, he got the biggest applause of the movie a few minutes in when he took his shirt off).

But the big problem I have with Twilight, the reason the popularity of it totally mystifies me, is Bella. As I said ever since watching the first film, she’s the epitome of a useless protagonist. She does precious little to affect her own circumstances. She merely waits around while the boys fight it out over who deserves to be with her most.

I suppose this is some kind of teenage girl wish-fulfillment. I mean, here’s Edward, the brooding, tortured loner who needs Bella to absolve him of his bloody past (suddenly revealed in this movie through some ridiculous 40s noir flashbacks). Over here is Jacob, the brooding bad boy lone wolf (literally) who also deeply loves her.

And here are Edward and Jacob, both perfectly fine with Bella remaining affectionate to the other! Amazing!

Try this one out on your guy some time, ladies. Say, “When we have our first child, I’d like to name him after my ex-boyfriend.” If your man is totally cool with it, he’s probably a sparkly vampire.

Yep. Bella is living in a dream state. Still, it could be worse. Her lesson to the young girls who watch the movie could be something like: “True love means taking some bruises from your man if he can’t help himself.”

That would be awful, wouldn’t it? Yep! Too bad its in there.

Maybe its not fair to say Bella is completely passive. She does make one critical decision that the entire franchise hangs on. And that’s the set up for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2. And I have a feeling that you’ll be there to see that one regardless of what I tell you.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 opens to a blockbuster reception today!

Author: Rob Worley


Liz Parker - 11/18/2011

You are right. I am seeing it today 🙂 love the books, the movies are not as good as the books but they suffice.

Mike D - 11/18/2011

The books are barely sufferable, the movies are worse. Bella is the Joey Potter for the current generation. Spot on Rob!

Tess Craft - 11/18/2011

True, it isn’t good. However, that doesn’t mean I love the lulz it provides any less…

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